At least three brothers shout “CONFIRMED.”

There’s a shout. Five shouts. A terrible, terrible clamor offscreen. At least one panicked intern running in with a first aid kit and a towel.

Jyuushimatsu shrugs. “I dunno, I’ve never tried it!” He boops them, frowning when nothing happens. “Maybe it’s like… like how you can’t tickle yourself because your brain knows it’s you doing it? I need someone else to try it.” Jyuushimatsu shouts.

“I need someone to boop my nipples for science!”

The remaining brothers scatter like roaches.

Todomatsu giggles, “Aw, guilty as charged. I’d still be serving up coffee at Sutaabaa if this opportunity didn’t come along! Maybe someday I’ll open up my own cozy little cafe, with nice pastries and a classy atmosphere…”

“Todomatsu? You have idol shit to focus on first.” Osomatsu snickers. “Regular, realistic dreams can always come after this blows over!”

“When I was younger, they hid all the Christmas decorations and convinced me I slept through a whole month.”

Osomatsu and Jyuushimatsu high five, and Ichimatsu jabs the table with a finger. “These liars told me they ate all the New Year’s food without me. I was betrayed. Never again, cell phone alarm clock, bitches, I’m actually awake at human times now.”

Without an instant of hesitation, Osomatsu grins. “Dingdingding, we have a winner!” He laughs, “But that’s kinda like ‘true or false, Osomatsu likes wearing red!’”

Choromatsu and Todomatsu look like their souls have left their husks.

“No shame at all.”

“Can’t even mock him for it anymore.”

“Almost! I practice a lot, but my grammar’s iffy. But, I’m fluent in a couple dialects of Finch!” Jyuushimatsu is full of surprises.

He coos, and Choromatsu looks a bit disturbed.

Choromatsu is so, so frustrated already. “When your brothers are this messy, you bring along an extra set of everything! I don’t get things dirty by myself, who do you think I am?!”

Five voices in front of the camera, and one staffer behind it, speak in unison. “Fappymatsu.”

After the scuffle ends and the dust settles, Choromatsu has someone’s drink spilled over his clothes.

He pointedly says, jabbing a finger at the camera, “I’m going to go change.”

“Fact,” Ichimatsu says with not a moment of hesitation.

“I wanted the spirit inside and outside!” Jyuushimatsu scratches at the back of his neck. “Didn’t think that one through. It was when I was younger,” he nods seriously, “I was a foolish youth.”

“Wasnt that in, like, 2015?” Osomatsu asks as he settles back down.

“Yup! I was technically younger then.”

Ichimatsu laughs quietly, “We’ve been foolish youths for like 50 years, get with it.”

“Yeah!”

Jyuushimatsu, eyes focused on something in the air no one can see, wordlessly pulls out a tape measure. He pulls out about a foot of it with a quiet clatter, and the others scatter, yelling.

Jyuushimatsu guffaws, “Did you see their faces?! Come back! I’m not doing that, that’d be gross! I promise, I put the tape measure away, come back!”

They all come back onscreen, and he pulls out a few inches again. They scatter again.

“We’re sextuplets, and we’re identical, so we should be about the same,” he says, legs swinging as he thinks, “so the difference down there would be kinda minor, right? I wouldn’t know, I’m not the one who was a contestant in the bathhouse quiz, I was just kinda there! I don’t look, it’s kinda gross. I dunno! But I’m happy with mine no matter what, so it’s ok!” Jyuushimatsu bows his head a little, as if what he said was a totally acceptable answer. “Thank you!”